I SHOULD POST THIS IN REVENGE FOR YOUR FEMININE PUBLICATIONS OF ME ON FB! ROAR!
She passed out an hour shy of 2011. I'll forgive her narcoleptic indifference this year but she better bust out of a cake or something in 2012 to make up for this.
Anyhoo, the highlight of our time together were our outdoor excursions. We've become quite the adventurous couple, taking on the treacherous, unforgiving terrain of Southern California following the ravaging floods that have this miserable state a couple drops away from turning into a modern day Atlantis. Good thing I have an innate mental compass that ensures we'll never get lost. Toss in ELC's ironwoman endurance and a camel-like ability to travel ultra marathon distances without so much as a sip of H20 and I'm pretty sure we could climb Kiliminjaro together.
THE IRONMAN COUPLE!
First, we tackled Back Bay, a steep, winding trail which locals avoid because of marauding Pirates who prey upon those who dare tread on their territory.
ARRR MATEY!
Luckily, our pirate training in the Hamptons this past summer prepared us for Captain Blackbeard and his lackeys and we survived the hike. Next up was Eagle Rock, also known as "The Deathmaze." Little did we know 11 other unfortunate hikers that very day had already perished due to misplaced signs and mirages misdirecting them into hopeless circles.
ELC prepping to eat, I mean, own, Eagle Rock!
We started strong, powering our way up the razor sharp boulders and dodging famished eagles swooping down over our heads. I swear one of them was the size of a friggin' pteoradactyl (I am way too delirious to look up the spelling for that thing). Erma demanded constant nourishment, guzzling down gallons of precious H20 and chomping down our emergency trail mix. My mouth was dry and my manly stomach grumbled but I did not dare defy the snack hamster.
I am a modern day Magellan.
Eagle Rock is universally recognized as the final frontier for explorers such as myself. There are no maps beyond where I planned to take Erma today, we would be the first homo sapiens to venture through the uninhabited trail of tears leading up the Eagle's nest.
Boldly going where no Asian has gone before.
After a 14-mile ascent, we finally hit the summit. Emma immediately demands more provisions. I tell her she consumed them all on the drive up. She refuses to speak to me for the next fifteen minutes. The only thing that can cheer her up is the view from the summit. She finds a love cave but refuses to boom boom unless I magically produce an In N Out burger. I catch her eyeing me and fantasizing as if I am a burger so I urge her to take pictures before she gets any ideas.
FEED ME!
Drained, I lead her back down to civilization. Little do I know the signs leading us back to Earth have been deviously misplaced by evil little goblins trying to make me look bad. I fall for their ruse and we are trapped in Eagle Rock for 42 frustrating miles.
I slept with one eye open...
ELC grows impatient and dares to question my navigational skills. I grit my teeth and pee in a bottle to provide her with alternative fluids. She gives me a look of disgust. Sorry, we all can't look like James Franco.
We hear a rustle in the bushes and discover a hobbit who provides directions for us. Emma is suspicious I zoned out during the hobbit's directions and forces me to make the lil thing repeat herself. I zone out during the second set of instructions hoping she's the one paying attention. Afterwards, we see a bunny rabbit hop across the road:
Tastes like chicken!
A rabid Erma dives at the poor thing, insisting we need to eat it alive to give us the strength to carry on. Luckily, it hops out of her mitts and decides to jump to its death off the cliff. I recognize the situation is getting dire and deliver a rousing speech I remember hearing bits and pieces from Oliver Stone's NFL drama "Any Given Sunday."
"IT'S A GAME OF INCHES, MEN!"
Surprisingly, the speech has little effect on ELC and she continues to grumble. I offer a piggy back ride and she mumbles something about me being dainty under her breath. I drag her along like a child on a leash at the Mall of America after two rounds of Sbarro.
We are fortunate enough to cross paths with another sojourner who gives us a completely different set of directions. Those tricky hobbits. I offer the bottle of golden pee to Erma one last time and she threatens to dump in on my head. We trudge along. This is getting worse than the Baatan Death March.
YOU GOT US LOST, JERK!
Miraculously, I lead us through the endless maze and back to safety. ELC is exhausted and reverts back to Sleepo mode the moment we get back in my pimp mobile. We're fortunate to have escaped the howling sandstorms and the talons of the oversized rabid eagles and I decide to reward us with...
FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY IS PROHIBITED YOU DAMNED JAPANESE TOURISTS!
Tear. I love happy endings!
