SQUIRREL!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Last Cookie
I ate the last morsel late tonight and it wasn’t love
It was bittersweet
I’d tell you they were crumbly and stale
That’s a lie
I’d say you were perfect without a flaw
Still a lie
Just know your flaws make you perfect to me
That’s the truth
It can’t be all furry handcuffs chocolate chips
I should know
Everything I’m not makes me everything I am
I wish you knew
This pain feels so familiar yet so new
This can’t be love
Perhaps just a bittersweet illusion starring you
I wish I knew
Saturday, January 23, 2010
In the beginning...
On Martin Luther King Day weekend in 2010, two ambiguously amorous buddies traveled to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado for a skiing excursion. This is their story.
Friday 1/15/10
6:30PM: Take off from LAX to head 1100 miles to Denver International. I sport a fruity baby blue gay pride rainbow tee with a blinding image of unicorns sodomizing each other. I endure a combination of homoerotic and homophobic stares throughout my journey.
9:45PM: Flight 1388 arrives at the gate. Eagerly anticipating my first glimpse of E, I immediately jump out of my seat; cutting off elderly women and small children in a mad rush to be the first to the connecting bridge. Flight attendants and first class snobs give me dirty looks.
9:50PM: Sprint across the bridge at the gate entrance. “Deep breaths, deep breaths,” I tell myself in an effort to calm my hyperventilating excitement. “Play it cool, play it cool,” I repeat as I stop to catch my breath. I crane my neck and peek into the gate, expecting to see an eager traveler holding a bouquet of flowers or oversized stuffed animal with the nameplate “BRIAN.” No dice.
There she is!
9:51PM: I spot a disinterested traveler sitting on a metal bench adjacent to the moving catwalk. It’s her. She barely rises out of her seat to acknowledge my arrival. Perhaps she’s disappointed I didn’t grow six inches and grow a pot belly? I ask for a hug and receive an awkward “good to see you broooo” embrace. Good thing I brought Courvoisier!
10PM: E forgets car rental carrier. The ambiguously responsible duo is born.
10:45PM: Wendy’s for chicken nuggets and an oversized baked potato to feed E while I abstain from calories to keep my figure. Decline to reveal I am a male anorexic with serious body image issues. E definitely wears the elastic pants in this relationship.
12:30AM: Arrive at 7-11 to feed my raging alky Coors light. Fail to mention that consuming malted barley hops 9600 feet above sea level has the equal effect of ingesting GHB. E and I spot cheap furry handcuffs at the register. Too sheepish to purchase them herself, I fork over five dollars and purchase them myself. Random overweight Mexican spots my kinky new item and comments “Niiiiice.” How embarrassing.
BUENO!!!!!!
1AM: Slip the pimple faced hotel concierge a twenty to sneak into the pool after hours. Inside, we play a naked game of Marco Polo. E cheats, refusing to respond to my calls of “Marco!” I don’t blame her since we’re stuck inside an 8x10 hot tub.
2:30AM: I lay wide awake; bullied into a cold corner of the bed with no blanket. Despite rumors I watched sleeping beauty slumber till the wee hours of the morning, I actually flip on the television and watched Sportscenter re-runs until I finally succumbed to a delirious nap three hours later.
Saturday 1/16/10
6AM: After a half-hour of sleep, E arises and insists on using me for my body. I feel so cheap.
8-9AM: Time to dress in our fancy high-maintenance under armour for an exciting day on the slopes! After one hour of pointless hair curling and makeup application that will be futilely erased on the mountain; I manage to guide E into the front passenger seat of our pimpin’ Ford Focus. She casually informs me “you were good in bed last night.” I’m not sure how to respond to that I’ve never been told that not because I’ve never been good but because…wait maybe it is because I’ve never been good! Feelings of self consciousness overwhelm me and fight off tears of shame and inadequacy. I later rifle through her bag later and discover I’m being graded on my romping skills from A (anal) to Z (zucchini width). Pleased to see I have passing marks!
The zucchini in its hidden phallic splendor...
9:01AM: E escapes from the passenger seat and makes a run for the continental breakfast in a desperate attempt to delay skiing. She refuses to take their meager offerings to-go, instead conveniently staying and eating in the lounge. She consumes two bowls of lucky charms, two hard boiled eggs, two cups of coffee and a partridge in a pear tree.
9:30 AM: Last second plan to divert our mission to Keystone to meet up with Kori and Taryn are thwarted by our collective lack of direction. We could really use chubby Russell’s universal GPS machine right now. Too bad it’s probably lying in some tree in the Amazon likely being worshipped by Mayans who believe it’s a sign from the Sun God.
9:45 AM: The directionally challenged Asian tourists decide to ride Breck instead. We get fitted for our skis and I notice a growing fear in the eyes of E. She’s running out of methods to delay her inevitable fatal tumble down the Rockies. At least it will read on her epitaph “She died doing what she loved!” Wait, no she didn’t…um, OK maybe just have it read rest in peace instead?
11AM: Finally on the mountain!
12PM: I finagle E into taking a lift that climbs to exclusive blue trails, violating my oath in less than an hour. Strangely, she fails to mention this betrayal for the remainder of the trip.
2PM: Meet up with Ammad at the Bergenhoff Restaurant on Peak 8. Despite E’s insistence on keeping her Skiing skills secret from the United States of America I manage to bring her with us for some runs. Within minutes its obvious Ammad skis like a one-legged blind giraffe and E is emancipated! Her confidence soars.
2:30PM: I lead our party to the trail of death. I feel like the brave alpha male leading loyal caravan through the unmapped “kiddie trail.” I notice Ammad and E cautiously straggle behind. How dare they defy my dictatorial guidance! John (I think that’s his name) begins to slowly backtrack despite my taunting him “to stop being such a vagina.” He finally ducks away and climbs back out to the light. I march on, determined to prove to my cowardly group wrong. I zoom through ten feet of deep snow before running facefirst into a blockade of trees. I climb back out in shame. E helps me fit back into the skis and I turn in my mancard for the remainder of the day.
4PM: Return to the lodge for some quality R&R. Only our version of R&R involves toe licking, brain massages, and armpit sucking.
6PM: Mi Casa for happy hour and dollar tacos! Scarf down a smorgasbord of guacamole, beef tacos, wings, chips, and salsa. I come to the realization if I lived with you your suicidal carb/cholesterol laden diet would lead to my eventual greasy diabetic death during my mid to late 30s. Where do I sign up?
7-7:15PM: The death march back to the lodge begins. I contemplate saving myself and leaving you behind at the intersection of Main and Village but then who would pay for the rest of my meals?
7:30-zzzz: We order the cooking chick flick Julie and Julia. Meryl Streep oddly resembles a tyrannosaurus rex voiced by mother goose. It’s surprisingly good for a chick flick but we keep pawing at each other like horny teenage rabbits. The movie loses the battle versus the horny ADD couple and E passes out shortly afterwards.
Edit- Did you know Meryl Streep won a Golden Globe for best actress for her performance as Julia Childs the week we got back? Also Streep is 5’6, in order to play the 6’2 Julia they hired midget actors (where do I apply?) and used scaled sets and camera tricks to make her appear to be the behemoth she actually was.
Sunday 1/17/10
6AM: Rise and shine! Or…roll around and do it again before passing out again.
8AM: Rise and shine…this time for real. We brush, apply artificial beauty enhancers, and dress up in our skin tight futuristic overpriced winter gear for day two on the Rockies. I am excited that we are ready early and looking forward to a full and productive day on the mountain! I make the grave mistake of lying down on the king-size when an unnamed manipulative temptress climbs onto the bed and starts stroking me. Her intentions are obvious but my will is weak. I put up a half-ass struggle and before I know it I’m laying stark naked in bed staring at an alarm clock that reads: 10AM. Sometime during our latest tryst I recall promising I would take her out to breakfast afterwards. Afraid this would further delay our departure and waste our grossly overpriced lift tickets, I fail to mention my promise as she lies next to me. Strangely, she never brings it up and we are out the door again. Score!
11AM: First run isn’t so smooth. I have to go number two and E is suffering from a series of headaches. She also has boogers running down her nose but I have somehow become comfortable with this. Not to the point where I enjoy seeing her fling them on the sheets and pillows we sleep on but I am oddly at peace with her boogers and farts.
11:30AM: Meet up with Kori, Barr, Kori’s mama, and lil’ Avi on Peak eight. E is a bonafide skiing champion and braves the blues again! The jews are thoroughly impressed (it’s always good to impress them!) We snake across Peak eight to the uncharted territory that is known as Peak seven.
12-3:30PM: Peak seven is a surprisingly relaxing ride. Highlights of our runs include E eating mouthfuls of yellow snow on several falls, a 40-something Filipina wanting my junk, and some breathtaking visuals taken by the clearly more talented photographer of the duo.
4-6PM: Empire Burger (E fell for the silly ski lift ad) for the Jets game. I am astounded at your ability to consume mass quantities of chips and salsa. I recall I have a Costco sized bag of tortilla strips at home I could feed her periodically when she visits in February. Talk about a cheap date!
Anyways, E and I order empire burgers with chips and fries before E pulls her classic ADD move and switches to a swiss mushroom burger before the waitress can walk away. We watch the J-E-T-S jets jets jets game and I couldn’t be happier. Watching playoff football with the sexiest girl on the mountain is every dude’s dream. I must also add I am impressed with E’s Bud light with two limes combination; she’s quite the frugal expert when it comes to inebriated gluttony.
Kori, powerBarr, and Taryn arrive at halftime for the game. The Jets pull out a miracle victory, capped by Shonn Greene’s 53-yard touchdown scamper to put New York ahead by two possessions in the fourth quarter. Daddy Chao rejoices! After the check is paid I block E from going to the restroom primarily because I really really have to go number two and the present facilities are far below my high maintenance standards.
GET IN MY BELLY!
6:15PM: Another death trek back to the lodge. The concierge must have thought we were an obese couple because she definitely booked us a room on the other side of the friggin Rocky mountains. Did I mention I have to go doo doo really badly? Cause I do.
6:30PM: Finally make it inside and to the toilet. Look for a match or some kind of air freshener but find none. I’m sure E’s number twos smell like flowers so she never has this problem. I exit and come back to bed where she informs me “I smell like bathroom.” Fail.
Scarf down some scrumptious snickerdoodles and take a much needed nap. Dream about living in a grand glass house where E picks her nose and flicks boogers against the glass. Before she can force me to eat them I awake in the nick of time…
9PM: We travel to the lodge hot tub. I secretly tuck my hard-on under my board shorts after I see E in her yummy two piece striped bikini. The outdoor hot tub is steamy and the stars are glittering in the sky but it’s not the same as having our private little motel pool where we can do naughty things to each other. We lose interest and depart back to the room.
9:30PM: Back down to the lodge restaurant for dessert. Dessert somehow turns into a three course meal for me and I order chicken tortilla soup, crabcakes, and a fudge sundae. As usual we are the only two people in the entire restaurant. This seems to be a recurring theme on the trip where I have the stunning E all to myself! Our hippie waiter returns with the chicken tortilla which we mutually agree is an unexpectedly zesty orgasm in our mouths. Crabcakes are mediocre but the fudge sundae with a scoop of vanilla is heaven for our spoiled palates.
10:30PM: Unable to find suitable entertainment on the tele (yes we are British), we decide to utilize the furry handcuffs for the first (and hopefully not last) time! I fasten them on myself and E teases me with a nibble of my favorite post dessert treat. I just can’t wait for my next treat. I ever so do want another nibble oh do I ever!
10:40PM: E climaxes and passes out immediately in a post orgasmic bliss. I am left feeling like a cheap Vegas hooker holding my still excited zucchini in my right hand. Oddly I am content that she is content. I imagine she is dreaming about hot metrosexual Euros serving her French macaroons with a frosty glass of imported Bud Light. I watch her sleep and stroke her hair gently for the next six hours. The moment she awakes I rush back under the covers and pretend I’ve been asleep the entire time. Kinda creepy.
Monday 1/18/10
6AM: We arise two hours before our wake up call. Eschewing an early responsible start on our trek back to Denver we get between the sheets for one last hurrah. I enjoy exploring every inch of E’s curves with my tongue. I kiss and poke and nudge every last millimeter I can find on her bodacious body (that’s right, I said bodacious)! Instead of lamenting the fact this is the last time I get to feel our bodies meet in a blissful union for over a fortnight (I am invoking Shakespeare) I find myself passionately enjoying every second of her instead.
8AM : The final casualty list includes a $25 northface shell jacket and a “ratty” glove with a salvation army thrift store estimated value of negative $5. Miraculously my long lost medicated chapstick reappears somewhere ridiculously obvious. E decides to pilfer it rather than return it to its rightful owner. We exit and say goodbye to the lodge.
9AM: The sun is blinding. I literally cannot see five feet in front of me. It’s as if some mystical force is shooting sunrays directly into my pupils in an effort to make me turn the rental around and make E my mountain slave for the rest of her days. Luckily for her she really has to pee so I take the next exit and dig out my Oakleys. She discovers a good Samaratin porta potty and I hear her release an deafening “AHHHHHH” when she finally makes it. Come to think of it, her pee orgasm sounds louder than her orgasm last night! Wtf.
Ahhh....I heart FLUSHING!
9:30AM: E decides to give me a going away present on the freeway. I try my hardest to steer straight but the pleasure is undeniable. A beaten up old Dodge neon pulls up next to us then suspiciously slows down. A moment later I see it again: it’s the “Niiiice!” Mexican from 7-11 driving! He rolls down the window and mouths the words “Niiiice!” once more. How embarrassing.
NIIIIIIICE!
10AM: We arrive at Denver International and return the rental. My ever misdirected radar forces us to exit the shuttle at the wrong gate. E stares daggers at me as if I have just drowned her newborn puppy. Even in her glasses and minimal makeup I find her unmistakably attractive. Now is probably a bad time to share with angry woman so I offer to hold her overpriced French bag for her instead. All is forgiven.
10:15AM: TSA security officer assumes the two Asians are together and checks our documents simultaneously. He inquires afterwards whether we are traveling with a baby. We are both mortified. How could we forget our lovechild in the backseat of our rental?
10:45AM: After braving a mob of angry impatient travelers in the McDonald’s line to retrieve E’s forgotten honey mustard snack wrap (they messed up and gave her a ranch), E makes me reiterate we are just buddies and nothing more. I attempt to digest my chicken nuggets but it feels more like I’m chewing and swallowing my suddenly fragile heart…
To be or not to be...
11AM: E boards her plane to JFK. It’s a somewhat ambiguously awkward goodbye. It’s always ambiguous with us. I penguin waddle back to the gift shop to purchase my traditional refrigerator memento when I receive a text message from E: it says “Hi .” For some reason this simple message makes me feel a million times better. I feel my heart slowly mending itself, keeping my head and hopes back up.
Friday 1/15/10
6:30PM: Take off from LAX to head 1100 miles to Denver International. I sport a fruity baby blue gay pride rainbow tee with a blinding image of unicorns sodomizing each other. I endure a combination of homoerotic and homophobic stares throughout my journey.
9:45PM: Flight 1388 arrives at the gate. Eagerly anticipating my first glimpse of E, I immediately jump out of my seat; cutting off elderly women and small children in a mad rush to be the first to the connecting bridge. Flight attendants and first class snobs give me dirty looks.
9:50PM: Sprint across the bridge at the gate entrance. “Deep breaths, deep breaths,” I tell myself in an effort to calm my hyperventilating excitement. “Play it cool, play it cool,” I repeat as I stop to catch my breath. I crane my neck and peek into the gate, expecting to see an eager traveler holding a bouquet of flowers or oversized stuffed animal with the nameplate “BRIAN.” No dice.
There she is!
9:51PM: I spot a disinterested traveler sitting on a metal bench adjacent to the moving catwalk. It’s her. She barely rises out of her seat to acknowledge my arrival. Perhaps she’s disappointed I didn’t grow six inches and grow a pot belly? I ask for a hug and receive an awkward “good to see you broooo” embrace. Good thing I brought Courvoisier!
10PM: E forgets car rental carrier. The ambiguously responsible duo is born.
10:45PM: Wendy’s for chicken nuggets and an oversized baked potato to feed E while I abstain from calories to keep my figure. Decline to reveal I am a male anorexic with serious body image issues. E definitely wears the elastic pants in this relationship.
12:30AM: Arrive at 7-11 to feed my raging alky Coors light. Fail to mention that consuming malted barley hops 9600 feet above sea level has the equal effect of ingesting GHB. E and I spot cheap furry handcuffs at the register. Too sheepish to purchase them herself, I fork over five dollars and purchase them myself. Random overweight Mexican spots my kinky new item and comments “Niiiiice.” How embarrassing.
BUENO!!!!!!
1AM: Slip the pimple faced hotel concierge a twenty to sneak into the pool after hours. Inside, we play a naked game of Marco Polo. E cheats, refusing to respond to my calls of “Marco!” I don’t blame her since we’re stuck inside an 8x10 hot tub.
2:30AM: I lay wide awake; bullied into a cold corner of the bed with no blanket. Despite rumors I watched sleeping beauty slumber till the wee hours of the morning, I actually flip on the television and watched Sportscenter re-runs until I finally succumbed to a delirious nap three hours later.
Saturday 1/16/10
6AM: After a half-hour of sleep, E arises and insists on using me for my body. I feel so cheap.
8-9AM: Time to dress in our fancy high-maintenance under armour for an exciting day on the slopes! After one hour of pointless hair curling and makeup application that will be futilely erased on the mountain; I manage to guide E into the front passenger seat of our pimpin’ Ford Focus. She casually informs me “you were good in bed last night.” I’m not sure how to respond to that I’ve never been told that not because I’ve never been good but because…wait maybe it is because I’ve never been good! Feelings of self consciousness overwhelm me and fight off tears of shame and inadequacy. I later rifle through her bag later and discover I’m being graded on my romping skills from A (anal) to Z (zucchini width). Pleased to see I have passing marks!
The zucchini in its hidden phallic splendor...
9:01AM: E escapes from the passenger seat and makes a run for the continental breakfast in a desperate attempt to delay skiing. She refuses to take their meager offerings to-go, instead conveniently staying and eating in the lounge. She consumes two bowls of lucky charms, two hard boiled eggs, two cups of coffee and a partridge in a pear tree.
9:30 AM: Last second plan to divert our mission to Keystone to meet up with Kori and Taryn are thwarted by our collective lack of direction. We could really use chubby Russell’s universal GPS machine right now. Too bad it’s probably lying in some tree in the Amazon likely being worshipped by Mayans who believe it’s a sign from the Sun God.
9:45 AM: The directionally challenged Asian tourists decide to ride Breck instead. We get fitted for our skis and I notice a growing fear in the eyes of E. She’s running out of methods to delay her inevitable fatal tumble down the Rockies. At least it will read on her epitaph “She died doing what she loved!” Wait, no she didn’t…um, OK maybe just have it read rest in peace instead?
11AM: Finally on the mountain!
12PM: I finagle E into taking a lift that climbs to exclusive blue trails, violating my oath in less than an hour. Strangely, she fails to mention this betrayal for the remainder of the trip.
2PM: Meet up with Ammad at the Bergenhoff Restaurant on Peak 8. Despite E’s insistence on keeping her Skiing skills secret from the United States of America I manage to bring her with us for some runs. Within minutes its obvious Ammad skis like a one-legged blind giraffe and E is emancipated! Her confidence soars.
2:30PM: I lead our party to the trail of death. I feel like the brave alpha male leading loyal caravan through the unmapped “kiddie trail.” I notice Ammad and E cautiously straggle behind. How dare they defy my dictatorial guidance! John (I think that’s his name) begins to slowly backtrack despite my taunting him “to stop being such a vagina.” He finally ducks away and climbs back out to the light. I march on, determined to prove to my cowardly group wrong. I zoom through ten feet of deep snow before running facefirst into a blockade of trees. I climb back out in shame. E helps me fit back into the skis and I turn in my mancard for the remainder of the day.
4PM: Return to the lodge for some quality R&R. Only our version of R&R involves toe licking, brain massages, and armpit sucking.
6PM: Mi Casa for happy hour and dollar tacos! Scarf down a smorgasbord of guacamole, beef tacos, wings, chips, and salsa. I come to the realization if I lived with you your suicidal carb/cholesterol laden diet would lead to my eventual greasy diabetic death during my mid to late 30s. Where do I sign up?
7-7:15PM: The death march back to the lodge begins. I contemplate saving myself and leaving you behind at the intersection of Main and Village but then who would pay for the rest of my meals?
7:30-zzzz: We order the cooking chick flick Julie and Julia. Meryl Streep oddly resembles a tyrannosaurus rex voiced by mother goose. It’s surprisingly good for a chick flick but we keep pawing at each other like horny teenage rabbits. The movie loses the battle versus the horny ADD couple and E passes out shortly afterwards.
Edit- Did you know Meryl Streep won a Golden Globe for best actress for her performance as Julia Childs the week we got back? Also Streep is 5’6, in order to play the 6’2 Julia they hired midget actors (where do I apply?) and used scaled sets and camera tricks to make her appear to be the behemoth she actually was.
Sunday 1/17/10
6AM: Rise and shine! Or…roll around and do it again before passing out again.
8AM: Rise and shine…this time for real. We brush, apply artificial beauty enhancers, and dress up in our skin tight futuristic overpriced winter gear for day two on the Rockies. I am excited that we are ready early and looking forward to a full and productive day on the mountain! I make the grave mistake of lying down on the king-size when an unnamed manipulative temptress climbs onto the bed and starts stroking me. Her intentions are obvious but my will is weak. I put up a half-ass struggle and before I know it I’m laying stark naked in bed staring at an alarm clock that reads: 10AM. Sometime during our latest tryst I recall promising I would take her out to breakfast afterwards. Afraid this would further delay our departure and waste our grossly overpriced lift tickets, I fail to mention my promise as she lies next to me. Strangely, she never brings it up and we are out the door again. Score!
11AM: First run isn’t so smooth. I have to go number two and E is suffering from a series of headaches. She also has boogers running down her nose but I have somehow become comfortable with this. Not to the point where I enjoy seeing her fling them on the sheets and pillows we sleep on but I am oddly at peace with her boogers and farts.
11:30AM: Meet up with Kori, Barr, Kori’s mama, and lil’ Avi on Peak eight. E is a bonafide skiing champion and braves the blues again! The jews are thoroughly impressed (it’s always good to impress them!) We snake across Peak eight to the uncharted territory that is known as Peak seven.
12-3:30PM: Peak seven is a surprisingly relaxing ride. Highlights of our runs include E eating mouthfuls of yellow snow on several falls, a 40-something Filipina wanting my junk, and some breathtaking visuals taken by the clearly more talented photographer of the duo.
4-6PM: Empire Burger (E fell for the silly ski lift ad) for the Jets game. I am astounded at your ability to consume mass quantities of chips and salsa. I recall I have a Costco sized bag of tortilla strips at home I could feed her periodically when she visits in February. Talk about a cheap date!
Anyways, E and I order empire burgers with chips and fries before E pulls her classic ADD move and switches to a swiss mushroom burger before the waitress can walk away. We watch the J-E-T-S jets jets jets game and I couldn’t be happier. Watching playoff football with the sexiest girl on the mountain is every dude’s dream. I must also add I am impressed with E’s Bud light with two limes combination; she’s quite the frugal expert when it comes to inebriated gluttony.
Kori, powerBarr, and Taryn arrive at halftime for the game. The Jets pull out a miracle victory, capped by Shonn Greene’s 53-yard touchdown scamper to put New York ahead by two possessions in the fourth quarter. Daddy Chao rejoices! After the check is paid I block E from going to the restroom primarily because I really really have to go number two and the present facilities are far below my high maintenance standards.
GET IN MY BELLY!
6:15PM: Another death trek back to the lodge. The concierge must have thought we were an obese couple because she definitely booked us a room on the other side of the friggin Rocky mountains. Did I mention I have to go doo doo really badly? Cause I do.
6:30PM: Finally make it inside and to the toilet. Look for a match or some kind of air freshener but find none. I’m sure E’s number twos smell like flowers so she never has this problem. I exit and come back to bed where she informs me “I smell like bathroom.” Fail.
Scarf down some scrumptious snickerdoodles and take a much needed nap. Dream about living in a grand glass house where E picks her nose and flicks boogers against the glass. Before she can force me to eat them I awake in the nick of time…
9PM: We travel to the lodge hot tub. I secretly tuck my hard-on under my board shorts after I see E in her yummy two piece striped bikini. The outdoor hot tub is steamy and the stars are glittering in the sky but it’s not the same as having our private little motel pool where we can do naughty things to each other. We lose interest and depart back to the room.
9:30PM: Back down to the lodge restaurant for dessert. Dessert somehow turns into a three course meal for me and I order chicken tortilla soup, crabcakes, and a fudge sundae. As usual we are the only two people in the entire restaurant. This seems to be a recurring theme on the trip where I have the stunning E all to myself! Our hippie waiter returns with the chicken tortilla which we mutually agree is an unexpectedly zesty orgasm in our mouths. Crabcakes are mediocre but the fudge sundae with a scoop of vanilla is heaven for our spoiled palates.
10:30PM: Unable to find suitable entertainment on the tele (yes we are British), we decide to utilize the furry handcuffs for the first (and hopefully not last) time! I fasten them on myself and E teases me with a nibble of my favorite post dessert treat. I just can’t wait for my next treat. I ever so do want another nibble oh do I ever!
10:40PM: E climaxes and passes out immediately in a post orgasmic bliss. I am left feeling like a cheap Vegas hooker holding my still excited zucchini in my right hand. Oddly I am content that she is content. I imagine she is dreaming about hot metrosexual Euros serving her French macaroons with a frosty glass of imported Bud Light. I watch her sleep and stroke her hair gently for the next six hours. The moment she awakes I rush back under the covers and pretend I’ve been asleep the entire time. Kinda creepy.
Monday 1/18/10
6AM: We arise two hours before our wake up call. Eschewing an early responsible start on our trek back to Denver we get between the sheets for one last hurrah. I enjoy exploring every inch of E’s curves with my tongue. I kiss and poke and nudge every last millimeter I can find on her bodacious body (that’s right, I said bodacious)! Instead of lamenting the fact this is the last time I get to feel our bodies meet in a blissful union for over a fortnight (I am invoking Shakespeare) I find myself passionately enjoying every second of her instead.
8AM : The final casualty list includes a $25 northface shell jacket and a “ratty” glove with a salvation army thrift store estimated value of negative $5. Miraculously my long lost medicated chapstick reappears somewhere ridiculously obvious. E decides to pilfer it rather than return it to its rightful owner. We exit and say goodbye to the lodge.
9AM: The sun is blinding. I literally cannot see five feet in front of me. It’s as if some mystical force is shooting sunrays directly into my pupils in an effort to make me turn the rental around and make E my mountain slave for the rest of her days. Luckily for her she really has to pee so I take the next exit and dig out my Oakleys. She discovers a good Samaratin porta potty and I hear her release an deafening “AHHHHHH” when she finally makes it. Come to think of it, her pee orgasm sounds louder than her orgasm last night! Wtf.
Ahhh....I heart FLUSHING!
9:30AM: E decides to give me a going away present on the freeway. I try my hardest to steer straight but the pleasure is undeniable. A beaten up old Dodge neon pulls up next to us then suspiciously slows down. A moment later I see it again: it’s the “Niiiice!” Mexican from 7-11 driving! He rolls down the window and mouths the words “Niiiice!” once more. How embarrassing.
NIIIIIIICE!
10AM: We arrive at Denver International and return the rental. My ever misdirected radar forces us to exit the shuttle at the wrong gate. E stares daggers at me as if I have just drowned her newborn puppy. Even in her glasses and minimal makeup I find her unmistakably attractive. Now is probably a bad time to share with angry woman so I offer to hold her overpriced French bag for her instead. All is forgiven.
10:15AM: TSA security officer assumes the two Asians are together and checks our documents simultaneously. He inquires afterwards whether we are traveling with a baby. We are both mortified. How could we forget our lovechild in the backseat of our rental?
10:45AM: After braving a mob of angry impatient travelers in the McDonald’s line to retrieve E’s forgotten honey mustard snack wrap (they messed up and gave her a ranch), E makes me reiterate we are just buddies and nothing more. I attempt to digest my chicken nuggets but it feels more like I’m chewing and swallowing my suddenly fragile heart…
To be or not to be...
11AM: E boards her plane to JFK. It’s a somewhat ambiguously awkward goodbye. It’s always ambiguous with us. I penguin waddle back to the gift shop to purchase my traditional refrigerator memento when I receive a text message from E: it says “Hi .” For some reason this simple message makes me feel a million times better. I feel my heart slowly mending itself, keeping my head and hopes back up.
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