Back by popular demand...

Yes, I am aware popular demand doesn't really exist since this blog has one measly (yet magnetically beautiful) follower. No, you (alter ego) don't have to be a dick about it.

The long-awaited recap is here.

Day 1

Remember learning about Newton's 3 laws of motion in HS physics? Me neither. No worries, I have discovered 3 indisputable new laws regarding the universally desired Emma. I call them Emma's 3 laws of e(motion)! I hope you creepos nipping at her heels are scribbling copious notes because I'm only sharing this one time:

Emma + alcohol = happiness
Emma - food = crankiness
Emma + alcohol + food = sleepiness

These are the rare constants I've discovered during my brief yet fortunate time with the crazy one. Like any great scientist would, I decided to tinker with the formula by testing the following:

Emma + mountain biking = ?

My hypothesis included the following possible conclusions:

the next Lance Armstrong (with amazing tits)
wrongful death civil lawsuit from angry Chinese family
opportunistic mountain lion attack on straggling/wounded biker
longest piggyback ride of my life

To be honest I was hoping for #1. Here's how it panned out:


Nance Armstrong gearin' up



Spirits were high as we set off to conquer Eagle Rock Canyon. It's a relatively easy mountain if you stay off the single-tracks (we did) but a difficult climb for first timers because the ascent consists of 90% climbing. No that's not obvious information you dumas because in mountain biking the ascent and descent usually have a close to even ratio of climbing and coasting. Eagle Rock forces you to work hard on the ascent and we all know how E feels about work!

She started out strong, charging up the mountain one-handed.


I am Emma, hear me roar!




Started lagging behind after 100 yards...




And off in the distance...yep, she has dismounted.



E took a break, wiping sweat off her brow and downing my entire ration of water at the 1/24th point of the climb.


All done! Wait, baby are you thirsty?


At this point I was unsure how I could get E to the top of this rock. I knew it would take every last ounce of my master persuasion/manipulation skills but I was determined to make it happen.

After a couple "breaks" I told E we were a stone throw away from the halfway point (a motivational lie), the Eagle Rock sign. I promised a lengthy break and the cold frosty Gatorade I was secretly hiding under my shorts if she made it without stopping. She agreed.

To my surprise, she trucked her way up to the sign without directing a single expletive filled tirade in my direction.


Emma at the "halfway" sign



Boy, was I relieved she forgot about the fictional Gatorade condensating in my pants. Last thing I needed was her throwing a hussy fit before I revealed we were only quarter-way up. We soldiered on...



Can we pull an about-face now?



A walk in the park!


I could include a photo montage of E huffing and puffing as she walked the bike up but the reality is she worked her bodaciously tasty J-Lo booty off to make it to the top. Kudos for making it to the summit where she enjoyed this beautiful view:








Yep, I made it too.


Where's my gatorade, jerk?

We celebrated by tracking down the infamous Kogi truck afterwards. After a couple of aimless loops we finally stumbled upon the legendary vehicle conveniently (and illegally) parked in front of the UCLA children's hospital.


Thar she blows!





Our expectations were sky-high. The line was modest (I'd hear rumors of drunk partygoers waiting hours) and we ordered a smorgsabord of spicy pork and bulgogi tacos, kogi sliders, and a mammoth burrito.








The tacos were so good I was oblivious to the fact I was covered in dirt, illegally parked in front of a kid's hospital, and eating with my hands on a curb. While I enjoyed my meal, E ran off to carouse with this douche:



You like my sticker tats?



I wear Ed Hardy at night!


She was so enamored by the Kogi truck founder when I urged her to flash him to get us free Cokes she could only smile, shyly intimidated. I nudged her forward and--

She flashed her sports bra, earning us a free coke and some extra napkins. She went on to express her renewed fetish for Korean men, no doubt inspired by the badass Kogi truck namja. I ushered her away before the police could arrive -- several balding children had witnessed her shameless behavior through the glass windows.

TO BE CONTINUED...
*passes out on keyboard*